"10 REASONS WHY COFFEE IS THE ONLY DRINK SERVED AT THE HEAVEN'S GATE WAITING LINE”
Anthropologists have recently discovered the remains of, what is to believed, the first original cavemen ancestors in places where coffee beans have grown wild for thousands of years, untouched. These scientists have unanimously concluded that, whether these skeleton parts be pro magnum or semi-pro magnum - (they didn't need gun licenses then); whether they lived in heavily vegetated environments; or, whether they huddled under the scorched dessert sun, the coffee bean was pivotal to all aspects of their survival.
1.EVIDENCE POINTS TO THE COFFEE BEAN BEING USED IN SACRIFICIAL RITUAL PRACTICES
Whereas, only the virgin beans of the first crop were sacrificed upon a fire, there was much improvised dancing, wild gesticulations and blindfolded karaoke. Generations upon generations passed this secret worship of the coffee bean, and other related bean stimuli...
For example, let's look at cocoa beans and the ancestral lineage of COCO CHANEL. Her genetic code originated from one of these caffeinated DNA tribes. But let's look at an even more recognizable world icon and his name.....A LEADER OF NATIONS: COFFEE AH NON. There was a typo. It really was COFFEE BAR NONE to show his superior and regal presence, named after the magnificent bean, which has never been surpassed in its uniqueness and power - one small entity possessing the capacity to inspire so many adjectives!!!!!
- DO YOU MAINLINE YOUR JAVA, OR DRINK IT?
Although people swear they are coffee "addicts," which has a very negative connotation, I have never witnessed any 12 step program established to help addicts kick the coffee habit, anonymous, or otherwise. However, one coffee franchise has attached the word "fix" to its name. This can mean that coffee can fix any emotional boo boo; or, it can have a derogatory meaning such as fix, or addiction. I give it the former; what do you say, fellow human bean?
- THE KLATCH
Cafes devoted to selling their number one product, COFFEE, emphasize the social gathering, the "klatch," The type of klatch is left up to you, the klatch organizer. It can pertain to friends sharing a whine (not wine) and an iced mocha frappe; it could be a COFFEE CAFE in Japan, unbelievably popular, where a Tokyo bank executive runs in to a café, for a few minutes of privacy. He places an order by saying: "SUPLISE ME" It is the coveted time of being alone, goofing off, that is so integral to the Japanese psyche. Japan is a place where time is an unrelenting taskmaster - even prohibiting family visits. In fact, an industry has materialized called "Rent a Friend" where an agency sends out actors to take on the roles of a family, and visit the client's parents for a day!!! The “pseudo-family” is well-informed with the person they are impersonating, they are laden with gifts and conversation topics to insure a great day, and they are then well- paid by the agency, for showering the grandparents with love and familial obligation their OWN children could not give them. Things are changing now, but those few savored gulps of coffee fulfill so many needs, it cannot be thought of as indulgent.
Nevertheless, in all countries, even where the concept of "a snack" is a new and enigmatic concept, everyone loves and looks forward to indulging in a luxurious cup of coffee, made from a myriad of types and flavors of beans.
- IT'S ALL IN THE (LINGUISTIC) LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.
The word "COFFEE"(pronounced in areas known as the Bus & Tunnel crowd, or What Exit Off the Turnpike as cawfee) appears in some words, but only revealed when pronounced. For example, ca COFF o née. This word might be used to describe a barrage of stimuli, as when your son's first grade karate class puts on a musical Ninja light show. Blaring, distracting noises and sounds, parading as dissonance as music, surround you, until you hear the beginning notes of the Twilight Zone, introducing the entrance of a mega migraine...
6 .DORIGA DO OR DORIGA DON'T
Another indigenous tribe, nowadays called the Aborigines, but thousands of years ago called "the Aboriginals" made the coffee bean the pivotal part of their dream-based culture, used as a tool to diagnose the onset of sudden illness and maladies (if the words were unknown, they hummed). For mystical rites, the High Priest would apply a coat of white chalk-like powder to his face. It was called GOTH 1-a melanin challenged pigment that gave a frighteningly anemic appearance, not unlike THE CHER YEARS. The old shaman would pick up an Aboriginal wind instrument and drag it across the dusty terrain. He was to call upon the dream deities to protect them, while they crossed into the Earthly realm, without proper ID. All he had was his talisman - his coffee bean, secured around his neck. He drew a deep breath from his diaphragm; he had tried with his IUD, but his voice sounded tinny...
Suddenly, he was stricken, and he collapsed to the ground. He had not been able to blow the Dirigidoo and call upon the tribal ancestors from the dreamworld. He was clutching the place between his groin and thigh, writhing like a snake. A SHIT (Shaman in Training) suddenly appeared and pressed his hand on the Shaman's wound. He directed him to COF. His friend emitted a weak, spit of phlegm. The Shaman in Training picked up a gourd full of coffee beans. He yelled, "COF, COF AGAIN, MAXWELL" (as his inner circle called him). The Shaman in training now bore down with all his might and pounded out a solo of Yma Sumac doing the Copa-the Nightclub Years. Suddenly, the stricken Shaman sat up and spoke: "You have cured me of a near fatal hiatus hernia; my hernia is obviously no longer on hiatus. You have cured me from the wisdom, healing and homeopathies of COF.
- THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
Too long to be an amazing diet that removes unsightly facial warts; might be a guide to dating after age 70. Something more widely followed. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. You can breathe easy. There is nothing in the big 10, or its interpretations, that prohibit the use of coffee for internal or external use.
- SOCIOECONOMIC CASTE SYSTEMS
The caste system exists, to some extent, in my country, Israel. Don't get me wrong; people can marry anybody they choose...it goes more by identifying people by the clothes they wear. For instance, a Tel Aviv businessman, or professional (doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc) may choose to wear jeans, but, most likely, his will be ironed, stain-free and worn in the near proximity of his waist. His more informal brother, the Israeli workman-the repairman, the guy who kneels and checks that all the wires are attached to where they are supposed to be.... he could not even have filled out the paper work to qualify for his blue collar job, unless he had the one uniform requirement: THE JEANS MUST BE WORN 24 INCHES DOWN FROM THE WAIST, BARING THE STANDARD, DARK CRACK AND ANY ANAL HAIR, and/orTATOOS WHICH SPROUT FORTH. ORNAMENTS OF ANAL HAIR (SUCH AS RASSTA BRAIDS).ETC/ ARE ENCOURAGED BY COMPANY POLICY.
Is this what separates a Corporate Israeli man and a typical Israeli- one who wears shirts unbuttoned in winter, in hopes of luring a big-breasted, “green card goddess” to make Aliyah to Kew Gardens, Queens? So, what brings these two together? What devours the walls of difference, the walls of separation? Out of their job environment, both might show up at a family funeral in crisply-ironed jeans. As a matter of fact, the only person in a suit and tie is the guest of honor, himself. And he's wearing it, because his grieving wife picked it out for him. So what brings these two disparaging types together???....It's...THE COFFEE...the kind that's served in industrial paper cups. It might already be served with a cigarette stub floating in it, just for gornisht, I mean, garnish.
- COFFEE GRINDS AS A MEANS OF DIVINING YOUR FORTUNE.
OK- we are not talking about that machine piss that passes for coffee in institutions like hospitals, Laundromats, real estate offices, or having your hair blow- dried during the conversation lull by two hair operators at GOOD ENUF DEZINZ. The kind of coffee I am talking about, you chew....in a Kasbah...with your fortune read by a woman who goes a little heavy on the kohl around her eyes. and still has residue black rings from last night's henna party, on her eyes and hands...She is known in her circles to be very talented on seeing the future. Her eyes tilt back, until the whites of her eyes show; she makes gasping noises, not unlike a cat coughing up a hairball. Suddenly, she sits upright and grabs your hand, as if she suddenly remembers where she left the car keys. She whispers to me that many people are jealous of me; and, not to trust someone very close to me - she is after my husband. This is a revelation, since I am presently not married. Jealous of me? To quote a theatrical play, "Bronx Tales," a character says: "if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all..." She shakes her head, she defies criticism. "I know you because I chew the coffee...it gives me powers like an emotional x-ray...people have put many curses on you...you give me $20, you will see your life will change." I told her that I only had a $100. bill. She shook her head, as if to say to me, "no worry lady...you have money card? I have ATM machine, next to where I pickle olives and cucumbers, in the mud room." I flinched. That might present another problem, but I won't go into that now. I must report to you that I seem to have had a turnaround in my life. I just got married. I still have no close girlfriends, so I am not worried that any two-faced witch will try and steal Ed away. Nobody seems to be jealous of me, unless my neighbors secretly covet my miniature, plastic knick knack collection I hoard in a broken tea cup? And right after I returned from the ATM, I did feel remarkably lighter, especially after I handed over that $20.!!!!!
- COFFEE AS A DIET AID?
Just from personal experience, I find coffee a great energy boost for mid-morning and late afternoon. At 4pm, when you have to stop and think which relatives are living, and which ones have passed on, it's time to stop and make an iced coffee. It is a reward, in itself. Whatever is passing itself as blood flowing through your veins, IT gets a little extra boost; your patience level is elevated, as your 9 year old squeals: "Look at Sparky...he's making Poo on your bed AGAIN!" Yes, I think, I would have to agree with Ray Charles, isn't that a Kodak moment...But, instead of reaching for something that might garner a personal visit from DYFUS, I reach for a sip of soothing, sweet, vanilla coffee, and hum the opening theme to I MARRIED JOAN, but never JOAN CRAWFORD. (That's only reserved for Mother’s Day).